It’s ok to not be ok

Posted by Pinch June 29, 2020 in Mental HealthUncategorized

I don’t usually just blog about myself, but I feel like this is kind of important.  

In the midst of a global pandemic, the United States is also being affected with systemic racism. Systemic Racism isn’t new, it’s been around since our country’s inception, it has only been highlighted more with our ability to use technology, capturing the wrongdoings and categorizing them.  So our people are taking to the streets, our People of Color and Allies have been marching, protesting, and taking to socials to have their voices heard to say that what is going on is not ok.  I am with them.  I am also really scared.

I haven’t been taking care of myself mentally, physically, or spiritually.  I’ve been running myself ragged, non-stop sitting in front of a computer for 14+ hours a day.  Either working for my job that pays the bills or streaming.  Creating content and a place where people can hang out and chat with me, or each other.  If I wasn’t doing one of those two things, I was reading article after article, listening to podcasts and NPR to stay informed of the state of our country. 

About 2 and a half weeks ago, for the first time in many, many years, I felt suicidal.  I felt alone, unheard, and overly empathetic to the struggles that are happening to PoCs across the United States, and the world.  I felt that I couldn’t do anything, living in a progressive city, in a state that always votes blue.  I felt that I couldn’t leave the house.  I felt like no matter what I did, or didn’t do, the world’s (or at least my own) suffering could end.  Negative Nihilism took over the positive outlook I usually have in life.The world lost its vibrancy, colors didn’t pop anymore, it didn’t feel good to leave the safety of my own home, making me feel trapped.  Misinformation guiding some of my friends down the wrong idea sets, I was frustrated and I couldn’t voice my thoughts to them without being called ill informed or being countered with some strawman argument ending with one or both parties getting frustrated and yelling at each other.  

You hear the stories of police injustice, you watch it on the internet, or the news, but to look out of the window of your car or home and witness a police officer pulling over to talk to someone because they were walking while black first hand, you get a sense of how messed up everything is.  So I broke.  I cried a lot, I felt lost, and I immediately reached out to someone that could help me through the situation.  A former Marine, with 3 tours of Afghanistan, he has had to deal with PTSD/suicidal thoughts daily.  PTSD is a bitch.  

The point is, instead of making a selfish choice that would negatively affect dozens of people, I reached out to someone, and talked to someone.  I talked about my struggles, how I felt, why I felt the way I did, where I was in my life, everything I could talk about, and cry about, and laugh about, and everything I felt confused about and scared about.  I talked about it and it helped.  I didn’t feel as alone.  I was reminded why I exist, and what it is about life I love.  Like video games, community, and helping people.

In 2020, we have seen the devastating bushfires in Australia, the outbreak of COVID-19, the presidential impeachment trials (and his acquittal) Kobe and Gigi Bryant’s untimely passing during a helicopter crash, Brexit, the mandatory national lockdown that began with Italy resulting in “news” that dolphins returned to Venice (its not new, or uncommon that dolphins swam the canals), the WHO declared COVID-19 a global pandemic, a stock market plunge that we haven’t seen in over 30 years, the olympics being postponed, New York State having more COVID cases than any other country in the world… and that’s just the first 100 days of the year.  We didn’t touch on George Floyd and the Black Lives Matter protests that followed like this one that took place on the Burnside Bridge in Portland, OR, the random resurgence of Anonymous, rioting in cities like Los Angeles, New York, and Minneapolis.  2020 has been a year that will be looked back upon in our history as a shifting point.  Let’s hope that we are all smart enough to make the shift together in the right direction.  

The world, with all of the issues that 2020 has given us, is a scary place.  

If you’re like me, then your anxiety levels are 9 and ¾ without all this stuff happening in the world, so if it gets to you, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone who is willing to hear you.  You aren’t alone, I promise you that.  It’s ok to be scared, it’s ok to feel useless, vulnerable.  My DMs are open.  On Discord, Twitter, Twitch, Instagram.  No, I am not shamelessly plugging myself.  I don’t want your follows, or your sympathy for feeling the way I felt.  I want you to know I am here to listen, to talk to you, to be your friend.  If you are too scared to talk to someone you know, use the number below.  I want you to have other options too. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline


As someone who has struggled with mental health issues in my lifetime (lets face it, we all have had those issues at one point or another), I know how hard it can be to reach out to someone.  You may think you have to go through it alone, but with all things in life, you don’t. 

I am not ok, but that in itself is ok.  Knowing that I CAN be ok and help others to feel the same way is the thing that keeps me going.  I guess that is how I am being part of the solution and not part of the problem.  

Take care of yourselves, wipe your asses, wash your hands, wear your masks. 

Giovanni “Pinch” Mapile